Why Such Little Faith, Queen?

Faith. 

Such a small word for such a grand purpose. Faith can make or break you without even knowing it. It shapes the very foundation of who we are and makes up the fabric of our lives. When you have faith, it shows. Whether it be through the flicker of hope that shines in our eyes or the optimistic energy that radiates within us. When you lack faith, it’s felt. Through the heaviness of our hearts and the melancholic timbre in our voice. Seeing is believing. That’s the easy part. But believing to see…well, that is something else entirely. 

I thought I had mastered the concept of faith because I grew up in a super religious household. Faith is the very foundation of any form of religion or ideology and I had those beliefs shoved down my throat from early childhood to my adolescence. Trust me, it was not by choice that I found myself sitting on a church pew 4-5 days a week. My parents weren’t pastors but my mom went to a bible college and was ordained as some title below “pastor” and my dad was a deacon so organized religion was at the epicenter of my life…unfortunately. I absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, believe in a higher power. I find comfort in believing in something far greater than myself. God has been all I have ever known but too many times in my life, I had started to question their existence. How is that the worst circumstances continuously happen to good people? Children get cancer and are going hungry all around us. A sexual assault is committed almost every minute of the day in this country and 1 out of 5 women are raped. Affordable housing is going into extinction. Healthcare is out of reach. Corporate greed runs rampant and no one seems to care. We are struggling on so many levels so if this magnanimous power existed, why aren’t they intervening on our behalf?

I analyze my own life. It hasn’t been sunshine and rainbows. I had what I like to call a “lifetime movie” childhood. I have known abuse, poverty, hunger, illness, homelessness, and betrayal. I wanted to take my own life at the age of 9 because my life up to that point, had been so miserable that if the rest of my life was going to be more of the same, I wanted no part of it. I have always felt like I’ve had this dark cloud that looms over me, waiting for the moment I give up and give in to what was expected of me, which was virtually nothing. The expectations for me was to be dead in a ditch somewhere, finally succumbing to my inner demons and doing whatever drug I could find to make them go away. I am not ashamed to admit that I have almost given in to that temptation at various low points in my life but have been pulled back by something I can only call the grace of God or divine intervention. The other expectation was jail because I have such a fire that burns within me, and if not carefully checked, I feel like I could set the world on fire. My mom would tell me when I was younger that the reason my life was continuously negative was because I truly didn’t believe that it could get better. That I didn’t deserve a life filled with love, light, and happiness. But of course I did! I have a Queen mentality. I deserve the world at my feet and I will always work to make that dream a reality. I am known for being an optimist. I can see the silver lining in any situation. My go-to coping mechanism is humor and I pride myself in being able to make light of any situation. So how can I possibly not believe that my life could shape up to be the way I envisioned? I have been through so much in my 33 years of life, and what got me through the darkest days was focusing on my future that would be filled with music and art, laughter and family. But here I am, still struggling to make that life a reality…

A huge buzzword for this generation is manifestation. According to google, the definition for manifestation on a spiritual level means bringing something tangible into your life through attraction and belief…Attraction and belief. Manifesting something goes against my very nature because I am of the belief that you get what you work for. If my life is not working out the way I had planned, I change course and work harder. I evaluate what is and isn’t working and come up with a different gameplan. Simply  believing in something doesn’t make it true. Right? Right? Going into this year, I finally admitted to myself that I needed to make a change in my life. I felt the pull to go back to where it all began, my faith in Jesus Christ and seek his guidance. So I made a commitment to go to church again. I changed my schedule at work to make sure I had that time off. I do not pick up shifts even though I could use the money. That is my dedicated time with the Lord. But I also felt the pull to further develop my connection on a different spiritual level. Commune with nature? Seek a deeper connection with the “universe?” I have also felt the need to vocalize my needs and wants out loud instead of just praying which I often do “in my head” or to myself. To be honest, I am not too sure what I mean by that. And that scares me. We are in the era of mantras, crystals, astrology, and rituals. I may or may not have sprinkled cinnamon at my door on the 1st of the month to attract wealth, prosperity, and good fortune because some cute witchy girl on TikTok told me to. No harm in trying right? But i do not want to open doors I cannot close and I have watched enough supernatural movies and tv shows to know better than to partake in something I do not fully understand. But also, i cannot deny this presence that I have felt follow me throughout my whole life. Is it a dark one or my guardian angel doing their job and protecting me from said dark forces? This is a movie script in the making! Every time I breach this conversation with myself, my Christian guilt stops me dead in my tracks so I have tabled doing any form of research about the subject. Manifestation or faith wasn’t born in Christianity or Spirituality, so either way, why do I have such a problem with believing in it?

I have decided to work on myself on a subconscious level, which has proved more difficult than I could ever imagine. It isn’t just about breaking old habits and implementing change in daily routines. I feel as though I have to do a complete reset of my way of thinking. Alter my own brain chemistry. Truth is, maybe my mom was right. Maybe deep down, I do not believe that I deserve happiness and love and the life I have dreamed of. But I can shout it from the rooftops that I don’t believe that at all. I know I deserve all these things but even as I write this, I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach. And that my friends, is doubt. And that is where my issue lies. But how do I change a habit that is so deeply rooted within myself? How do I reach down to my soul to be like, hey girl, stop with the dramatics and pull yourself together? I have been told too many times to count to watch what I say because our words have power but what isn’t talked enough about is that so do our thoughts. And how does one control one’s own thoughts? Do good things only happen to those who never doubt the process? Who never waiver? Never second-guess? Is it really all or nothing like that? It can’t be. It just can’t.

A friend once told me that the universe is not that cruel. God is not that cruel. I mean he can be. But so can the universe. To me, both God and the universe are the same thing; they are interchangeable. The same friend told me to put it this way… the reason why “bad” people always seem to get what they want, whether it be fame or money, positions of power or influence, is because most of them are narcissists. Narcissists never doubt themselves. They never waiver in their decision making because what they say goes; damn the consequences. Narcissists are often so delusional that their delusion becomes their reality. They simply wouldn’t have it any other way. They think so highly of themselves that they can do no wrong. (Anyone coming to mind? I have a few!) My friend is a therapist so of course she was looking at my crisis of conscience from a psychological standpoint. I’m not going to lie, having friends as licensed therapists are hard sometimes because when they hit you with some truth, they HIT YOU with some factual, science-based truth. I was shook. Dumbfounded! Flabbergasted! She was right. Ridiculously right. So what was she telling me? To become a narcissist? Not quite. I think what she was trying to tell me was to believe in something so much, that it becomes reality. Which is what class? Manifestation! It finally clicked for me. As I am writing this, it has hit me like a thunderbolt! Manifestation is the foundation of faith. It reaches us to the deepest depths of our core. It impacts us on a subconscious level which ultimately influences our thoughts which leads to our decisions. Our choices. Our Actions. Which is faith! Taking that leap of faith or walking in faith? Those are manifestations (inward) being brought to the surface (outward). But don’t take my word for it. Take the word of the calendar post-it thingy I keep on my white board as a reminder that inaction is an action.

It is hard for me to admit that i doubt myself more than i let on. I am a confident, strong, force of nature. I will leave my mark on this world without question. But me simply saying that doesn’t do me any good if when i lay my head down at night, i let those intrusive thoughts in that tell me if i haven’t done it yet, it probably won’t happen. I’m not capable. I’m not worthy. So lately, those thoughts have kept me restless and i wake up already defeated. But i know what i have to do. While i may doubt myself, i have never doubted my purpose. And believing in my purpose alleviates any doubt.