My Declaration of Independence

I’m just going to put this out there...
 
I am a nobody. I grew up in foster care where I bounced from home to home. I was adopted at the age of 4 and given away by 10. I don’t come from money or have a famous last name. My whole life, I have been the stereotype of a small-town girl with big dreams who was determined, come hell or high water, to make something of herself. Despite my humble beginnings, I still consider myself fortunate. A lot of children in similar situations don’t grow up to be functional adults. The terror of their childhood gave birth to demons that they couldn’t overcome. I also consider myself fortunate because while I had it rough growing up, I know that there are those that had it much worse. It breaks my heart. 
 
Music and writing have always been my lifelines. I have dedicated my life to pursuing a career in music. Along this journey, I re-discovered my passion for writing and have tried to incorporate that as well. While songwriting is my natural forte, I am working on screenplays, blogs, and a novel. In December of 2014, I had a life altering experience in the form of a health scare that changed me forever. I could have let it have a crippling effect but instead I saw it as the fire lit under me to make a move. I flocked to Los Angeles like a lot of dreamers do in hopes of catching my big break or selling my first song. Living the typical life of an amateur artist, I slept on floors, went hungry, and made $32 last for two weeks until the next payday because I spent most of my check on studio time. To this day, I still can’t eat ramen or a simple PB&J. It was a period that brought about numerous challenges but secretly I loved it. Every decision I made; every day that passed by, I was convinced that I was one step closer to my dreams becoming a reality, so I didn’t mind going to bed hungry or working multiple jobs. But life happens and my mom passed away. I felt compelled to move back to that small town in Florida to acclimate my dad to his new life as a widower. Back home, I tried to keep the ball rolling as far as my music career went with no such luck. I tried to focus on my writing, but I had lost a little bit of that thunder I once had. Just when I thought I was ready to get back on the stage and start performing again, life made another dramatic entrance in the form of a global pandemic. We all know how that went. The world stood still. Plans were put on hold. Lives destroyed. I truly believe that we are entering the post-pandemic era but what does that look like? Where do you even begin to pick up the pieces? So here I am, starting over again yet another time trying to figure all this out.
 
From a young age, I knew what my life’s purpose was. I knew it was to uplift and encourage others around me. Whether it be through my music or writing, my witty banter, or sense of humor. Or the biggest one, my story and boy do I have one to tell! I was reminded of that recently when my new business venture was placed upon my heart. As a victim of too many “me too” incidents in my early singing career, I have recently declared myself an independent female artist. I want to have more say on my body, creative license, and how I choose to portray myself in the media. I am also starting a website which will include a blog, video journal, podcast, and dating column.  In a few words, I have tried to give a brief synopsis of my story, but I barely scratched the service. I am starting on this journey to tell my story, but also tell the stories of others. My hope is that we as humans won’t feel so alone when we know that everyday people have or are going through the same things. In a society where social media is forever present, we have gotten used to the filters people place upon their lives, bodies, and faces to paint a pretty picture for our peers for various reasons. Acceptance. Reassurance. Greed. Envy. Boastfulness. I want to counteract some of that illusion by sharing my truth and inspiring others to do the same. I think it’s time we shine a brighter light on ingenuity and realness. I know a lot of people feel the same way I do. They are tired of a fabricated narrative to fit an agenda. I want to start conversations and have voices heard that normally wouldn’t be. Before you discriminate, advocate, and educate. Those are words I have always tried to live by.

I have a lot to say. I always have. If I am going to be honest, when it comes to my childhood, I have carried immense shame and guilt. Although I was a victim, an innocent child, an invisible dark cloud tends to loom over me. I ignore it mostly, but there are times when memories creep up on me and the rain begins to fall. I know I have built walls the size of mountains around me. I don’t really talk about this time of my life because it brings me to an uncomfortable place. I am forced to face the fact that here I am, a woman in her 30s, still brought to tears over childhood trauma. My own set of demons viciously come out to remind me while I have learned to tame them, they will forever be present, waiting for the moment I finally give up. But that will never happen. I have too much to live for. I have people that love me, a grand purpose, and great hair! While parts of my life have been tragic, it hasn’t always been that way. That is what brings me back every time. It is beyond me why men and society try to over-simplify women like we aren’t the most complex creatures in existence. If we’re smart, we’re only smart. If we’re sexy, we’re only sexy. If we’re funny, we are only supposed to be funny. Why can’t we be all three? Why can’t I talk about social issues and have a sex and dating column as well? Why do women feel the need to hide parts of themselves so we don’t disrupt the natural order of things? Women right now are taking ownership of themselves in every way and I’m here for it, cheering on every one of them. I’ll be joining the party soon in my own way.

I put ridiculous amounts of pressure on myself. Pressure to be happy, pressure to succeed, to make money, to be my own brand of beautiful, etc. I recently entered a new era of my life: The 30s. Turning 30 wouldn’t be so bad if I felt like I was where I was supposed to be at this age. The fact that I don’t have my life figured out by now gets to me but who does? Pursuing a career in music or writing is no easy feat but I thought I would have made some sizable progress by now. I know I have chosen to put my career first and that has made it hard to maintain romantic relationships and taken me away from friends and family. I’ve missed holidays and numerous birthdays. Weddings and baby showers. That is still something that haunts me. I can’t help but feel though if I were a man, I wouldn’t be facing these issues. A man is supposed to chase his dreams and do what he must to provide for his family with a patient and loving woman by his side. The same characteristics that make a man heroic, villainize a woman. So, we carry on with the disapproval of family members and ignore the societal pressures of a woman’s place. I mean, if it’s a villain they want, a villain they shall get! I look at my peers and see their houses, families, and vacation photos and I can’t help but wonder. I can honestly say what I feel isn’t envy, but rather contempt. I tend to analyze the possible decisions they might have made that got them to where they are and look to myself to see where it went wrong. I get all bent out of shape but then I remember that we all have our own paths to take. Comparison is the thief of joy. I tend to not talk about the struggles of the day to day because I used to see that as a sign of weakness. I’ve convinced myself that most people don’t care anyway. While I’ve never tried to portray my life as perfect, I don’t divulge the hardships either. You might see a pattern arising…I don’t open up. My best friend called me out a few years ago about how I compartmentalize my emotions and I couldn’t argue with her on that. It has gotten me to this point, right? Truth be told, I’m right. Most people don’t care. But the ones that do are the ones that matter. So what if nay-sayers look at my posts with negativity? I’ve tried to adopt the approach I have about my music to all my other content: it will touch the lives its meant to touch. It will make the impact it’s meant to make. So, I choose real. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows and vacation photos. My life is the grit and grind of a woman trying to make it in this world on her terms. It’s many inner conflicts and sexual innuendos. It’s inappropriate jokes to mask the fact that my best made plans have been the biggest disasters.  

I’m all about changing the narrative and that begins with me. I have done a lot of soul searching the past few months to prepare myself for this moment. Coming to terms with my past. Embracing the struggles of the present that will lead to an amazing future. Most of that had to do with ego. I had to put my pride to the side to be able to share my truth. I had to change my view on vulnerability and see it as a sign of strength, not weakness. I had to forgive myself and I am working on forgiving others. The guilt, the shame, the contempt…it must go. For too long they have been barriers when they should have been building blocks. I had to trust the process. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was Beyonce for that matter. The first step is getting started. I read something that hit me like a ton of bricks. It said that everything you ever wanted in life is on the other side of consistency. Trusting the process is also being aware of when you are the one disrupting said process by lack of consistency or discipline. Two things I struggle with from time to time. I’m not trying to present a version of myself that has it all together and figured out. I’m learning as I go and adapting as circumstances play out. I am embracing the beautiful chaos that is my life and giving others a little “peek behind the curtain” as they say. My hope is that more people follow suit. Together we can try to close the gap between us and tear down the walls made up of our differences and find a peaceful co-existence for all. It amazes me how one gains a “platform”. From releasing underwhelming sex tapes to putting gorilla glue in your hair to spewing out such hatred for clout and engagement, however negative. What saddens me is what most of these people do with such a platform. I have decided to build my own platform and be the change you wish to see in the world! This is my Declaration of Independence.

Like I said before, it begins with me. It begins with you.